Idiot Lawyerisms

Supposedly, there are actual discussions in a courtroom....



> ATTORNEY:
> Are you sexually active?
>
> WITNESS:
No, I just lie there.
>
>
____________________________________________
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
>

> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?
>
> WITNESS: I forget.
>
>
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?

>
> ___________________________________________
>
>

>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever
been
involved in voodoo?
>
> WITNESS: We both do.
>

> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>
> WITNESS: We do.
>
>
ATTORNEY: You do?
>
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>
>
____________________________________________
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
>
> WITNESS: Did
you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>
____________________________________
>
>
>
>

> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
> twenty-year-old, how old is
he?
>
> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
>
>
___________________________________________
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
>
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>
>
_________________________________________
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
>

> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at
that time?
>
> WITNESS: Getting laid
>
>
____________________________________________
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? ?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.

>
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>
> WITNESS: None.

>
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
> WITNESS:
Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

>
> ____________________________________________
>
>

>
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
>
terminated?
>
> WITNESS: By death.
>
> ATTORNEY: And
by whose death was it terminated?
>
> WITNESS: Take a guess.

>
> ____________________________________________
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>
>
> WITNESS: He
was about medium height and had a beard.
>
> ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
>
> WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm
going with
male.
>
>
_____________________________________
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
>
> WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
>
>
______________________________________
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead
people?
>
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of
a
fight.
>
> _________________________________________
>

>
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school
did you go to?
>
> WITNESS: Oral.
>
>
_________________________________________
>
>
>
>

>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
> examined the
body?
>
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>

> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>
>
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>
>
____________________________________________
>
>
>
>
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> WITNESS:
Are you qualified to ask that question?
>
>
______________________________________
>
>
>
> And
the best for last:
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did
> you check for a pulse?
>
>
WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for
breathing?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: So, then it
is possible that the patient was
> alive when you began the autopsy?

>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so
sure, Doctor?
>
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a
> jar.
>
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been
> alive, nevertheless?
>
> WITNESS: Yes, it
is possible that he could have been alive
> and practicing law.

LMFAO... thanks Larry.. that just made me pee myself

those are funny,,,,

shit sometimes i wonder who hires these dumb fucks!

OMFG...I have actually heard attornies ask stupid shit like this in court. I heard one attorney asking a doctor if he was sure the gentleman was deceased when he began the autopsy. the problem with the question was that the autopsy was being performed on a body that had been exhumed to find more evidence.

-Hippie

you think this shit is funny, go sit in a court room for a day, and watch the self accusations begin to roll lmao. I remember this one kid was in court cause his landlord accused him of spray painting a row of cars in the parking lot, and he was like no your wrong I did the other row of cars, my friend did that row!